Nepal

Last night in my dreams.... I don't know if I astral projected unknowingly (I have never tried to do this) or if this was a vivid dream, but I was in Nepal. I was covered in dust. I was in torn clothing and I had blood on me. I don't think it was my blood, because I didn't feel any physical pain. I felt the sorrow in my chest like a weight on my heart. I had a lump in my throat was so big that I was sure that I was struggling to breathe. I smelled the decay, the sickness, the death.  I walked among the mountains of rubble.

There was a little boy about 4 years old sitting on what was left of a curb, dirt and dust smeared all over his face with streaks of tears running down. His eyes pierced mine, swollen from sobbing, but glowing like sparkly brown marbles. I sat with him and held him. He did not speak. I knew he had no family left. Eventually he stood up and slowly walked away. 

I heard a woman shouting. She was not speaking English but I understood her cries of anguish. I climbed over broken stones to reach her. She was holding her infant in her arms. She had a crushed leg and was pierced in the abdomen by something metal. Her child was not breathing, she was gone. The tears started to pour out of me and I told the woman everything was going to be alright. I held her hand and she squeezed it tightly until her life force left her body. 

This morning when I woke up,the soles of my feet felt blistered as if I had been walking barefoot in hot rubble all night. My body ached to the core and I was physically exhausted. I heard my son laughing and all I could hear was a little boy crying for his dead mother. 

I break out into fits of tears randomly and I can't shake this feeling of empathy. Last night I cast a circle and sent as much healing energy as I could to the suffering people, could I have opened a doorway that allowed my soul to venture to Nepal in my sleep? I don't know what to do further. I feel broken.

What a Pentagram means and why you shouldn't be afraid of it.

There is a lot of stigma behind the infamous shape of the five pointed star within a circle. It is often seen drawn in chalk on dark basement floors in horror movies, or seen involving human sacrifice, murder, or a number of other terrible things. (Thanks Hollywood)

In all actuality, the Pentagram, or Pentacle, (the word Pentagram means a pentacle that has been drawn) is an ancient Pagan symbol for protection. I will explain further. Each of the five points represents an element and a direction.

So here's what they mean!

Earth: Earth is the ultimate feminine element. Earth is fertile and stable. The planet itself is a ball of life. The cycle of life happens over and over, life, death and rebirth. The earth is solid and firm, full of ENDURANCE and STRENGTH. The colors associated with earth are green and brown.

Air: Air is connected to WISDOM and the powers of the mind. The air blows away strife, carries away your troubles, and sends positive thoughts to far away loved ones. The colors associated with air are yellow and white.

Water: Water is highly connected with the aspects of the Goddess. It is used for healing, cleansing and purification. Water is connected to EMOTION and PASSION. Consecrated water, or Holy Water, used in many religions, including Wicca, is water with salt added to it that has been blessed. The color associated with water is pink. Just kidding, its blue.

Fire: Fire is connected to ENERGY and STRONG WILL. It is a masculine energy associated with the fertility of the God. Fire both heals and can harm, it creates and destroys. It can destroy the old and worn, or bring forth new life. Orange and red are the colors associated with fire.

Endurance, Strength, Wisdom, Emotion, Passion, Energy, and Strong Will. These are the things that a Pentacle/Pentagram stand for. Not for evil. Not for Satan worship. There is no evil in Wicca. There is no Satan, no devil.

I carry a Pentacle with me everywhere I go, around my neck as a charm of protection and a reminder to be strong and wise, to live each day with passion and energy, to love with all of my heart and to stand up for what I believe in. 

Blessed Be.

Coming out of the Broom Closet

Writing is my only way to speak the words I want to say properly and with detail and description. I have always been told that I am a very talented writer, so here goes. Deep breath... 1..2..3..

I grew up in a Christian home, with Christian relatives and Christian friends, in a Presbyterian church. I love my family and my friends very, very much and this blog is intended for me to explain my spirituality, hopefully with as little judgement as possible from those that I love. I know that this may hurt some of the people that I love, disappoint others, and for that I apologize, but now is the time for me to become who I truly am. I am going to live my life to the fullest and love each moment. I do expect some negativity to come forth, but that is the way the world works and that is OK.

Before Johnny was born I identified as Agnostic. I thought there must be some higher power, but I wasn't sure what that power was, or what it had to do with me, or my life. I imagined a force that created life, the big bang, evolution. I believed that every person was on their own path and the source of creation had nothing to do with our paths.

During my trauma I began to question my Agnosticism. I started seeing a Therapist who has a Doctorate in Spiritual Psychology. (I only discovered this fact after months of counseling.) I started to believe that Divinity was real. There had to be some higher power guiding us all. If there wasn't, I would have died. My son would have no mother. After all of my pain and suffering I realized that it was set in motion to help me discover the divine power and strength within myself.

I didn't know where to begin, so I start to research different religions. I started to read about Islam, Judaism and Buddhism. I already knew all about Christianity, so I didn't study that further. I found vast similarities in all of the religions. They all have a prophet, who was spoken to by their version of God to lead their people to salvation, in order to reach paradise. They all claim that their way was the one and only way to paradise and they all have similarities to Paganism, the oldest religion.

I started to ask myself, "How is it fair to damn a baby born in the middle of a jungle in south america to hell, just because they aren't preached to?" (this is something I learned in the Presbyterian Church, This is not taught in all Christian/Catholic branches of faith) I have asked this question before and the answer I get is, "That is what missionaries are for." That answer has never sat right with me. I began wondering, "Is it possible that there is only one God/dess and s/he is God/dess to all?" Then, I started to read about Paganism and I had a revelation. It is the oldest of all of the religions, with roots 30,000 years old. Modern Holidays (3,000 years old-today) are much like pagan holidays.

The pagan wheel of the year has Eight main Holy-days, "Holidays". For example; at Easter, Christians celebrate the resurrection of Christ. Pagans celebrate Ostara, or Oestar at the Spring Equinox. It is named after a Pagan Goddess who loved rabbits and the people left colored eggs as offerings for her. These customs far out date our modern Easter customs.

All of the other seven Pagan Holy Days correspond with the seasons. Each Holy Day has certain customs and different Gods and Goddesses that are celebrated for each. Beltane is a celebration of fertility and Birth. Modern people know it as May Day. Have you ever heard of the May Pole? That is an ancient Pagan Custom. Samhain (pronounced Sow-in) is the Pagan New year. It is a time of remembrance of ancestors and those who have passed on. There is a silent feast with table settings for the departed. After the feast, there is a celebration to welcome the new year. Today we call this Halloween. 

The idea of celebrating so many Gods and Goddesses was too much for me to wrap my head around, but I did start to realize that I was becoming open to the idea that the Divine Source of Creation is manifest in all things. This notion is different than other religions, where God is a separate entity that is above us, who is prayed to and asked for guidance. 

Everywhere I looked I started to see Divinity. Blades of grass are a divine creation. The clouds in the sky are a divine creation. The air I breathe is a divine creation. The flame of a candle burning is a divine creation. My body is a divine creation. All of its functions and how it healed and how strong I am now is only explainable by having the great source within me.

These thoughts and feelings are common with the religion of Wicca. 

I started reading about Wicca and its practices and beliefs. Wicca believe in the divine source. The Goddess, and the God, who birthed all of the souls that will ever be. They believe in the power of the mind and the spirit. They believe in magic. They believe in the elements that are needed for survival of the body, mind and spirit. The pentacle, (when drawn, is called a pentagram) is a sacred symbol of protection for Wicca. 

There is no devil in Wicca. However, there are Satanists completely separate from Wicca. They may use the Pentagram in an upside fashion with a goat head inside of it. This has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with Wicca. There is no blood sacrifice. There is nothing evil involved. When a Wiccan performs a rite or a ritual, it is a sacred time for them to connect with the Divine. Some use music, meditation, prayer, incense in the form of herbs or oils to help alter their state of consciousness to a dream like state. This is when they direct their energy to a certain intention or a prayer and is what is called Magic. It is not supernatural. It is simply channeling the energy of brain waves toward a goal or an object. The candles, Incense, wands, cauldrons (to burn incense) or knives that look "scary" or "Intimidating" are all to help a Wiccan reach a higher consciousness and channel their energy.

When a Wiccan dies, he or she goes to a place called Summerland (much like Christian Heaven or the Pagan Viking Valhalla) to rest and re-evaluate their time on earth until they are ready to be born again, as Wicca believe in reincarnation.

I have been studying Wicca for two months. I have felt connected to the Divine more so that I ever have in my life. It is said that it takes "a year and a day" to become Wicca. I fully intend to keep studying and keep practicing the craft. I see meaning in my life more than ever. I am happy to be alive each day. I revel in the fact that there are birds living in my bathroom air vent. Last year It scared the crap out of me. Life is precious. Every type of life. Each moment is precious. The God and Goddess are manifest everywhere. They are a part of me. She is the clouds. She is the Earth and the stars. He is the smile on my sons face. She is the creator of everything. She is the moon and He is the Sun. Together they are the perfect balance of light and dark. 

The Holy Book that Wicca follows is called "The Book Of Shadows" and it is a personal journal of one's own spiritual experiences. There is no Dogma to follow. There is no hierarchy. There is the belief in the Law of three, that whatever you send out comes back to you threefold, basically, karma times three. There are no commandments, except for one. "An' ye harm none, do as ye will." Do what makes you happy, while not harming others. The Wicca sanctuary is the outdoors, a meadow, forest, beach, bonfire. Anywhere s/he feels connected with the God/dess.

I know that this is a lot of information to swallow and I know that it is hard to understand. I know certain family members will need time to adjust, but I also know that they will continue to love me no matter what I believe. To my best friend, you know who you are, I hope that you can find a way to understand. I love you as much as my flesh and blood sister and I always will. To those of you that read all the way through this, thank you, and BLESSED BE!